Life is beautiful...

28 Weeks

2012-02-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

Notice... my belly now officially sticks out farther than my boobs ::sigh::

How far along? 28 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself over the weekend and I'm around 145... there has been a big jump on the scale in the last month and I'm not loving it... at all.
Maternity clothes? Yup, pretty much everything has a stretchy waist now...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy. And don't get me started on cellulite. I can't wait to start working out... I hate being fat. :/
Sleep: As long as I have my giant preggie pillow, I'm okay... but without it, life is miserable.
Best moment this week: Eating cookie dough and then feeling Cohen do a dance... this kid will be a cookie monster like his daddy...
Movement: Kicks, punches, flips, somersaults, and barrel rolls on a daily basis, although I still think this little guy is less active than Addison was...
Gender: BOY!!!
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks still driving me nuts but with a TON of water (read: 3 liters) and minimal activity, I'm managing to keep them under control
Belly Button in or out? In... but barely...
What I miss: Being able to do stuff :/ I want to work out, or clean house... hell, I'd settle for putting on my socks without struggling.
What I am looking forward to: The end. Seriously. I'm ready now...
Weekly Wisdom: Naps are miraculous. Never say no to naps...
Milestones:We made it to the 3rd trimester and I'm not on bed rest!!

Bedrest.

2012-01-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I don't realize how much I want to be at work until my doctor tells me that I may not be able to go? =[ I went in for my 6 month appointment today and confessed that I'm still having contractions 5-6 times an hour most days (but not all day long) and Dr. H said that is right at the brink of 'unsafe'. Right now it's up to me if I want to continue working but I have to find a way to stay completely off my feet while I'm there which is proving to be impossible... I'm up and down grabbing things off the printer, getting things out of the inbox, and running to the bathroom fifty times a day... I already have students in charge of handing out and collecting papers and running errands as much as I can. Derek has put me on bed rest as soon as I get home but in reality I have an hour an a half alone with a toddler every afternoon. As much as I try, this child requires chasing. She doesn't really adhere to the 'sit and hang out' philosophy that everyone is wanting me to follow...

The verdict... I have two weeks until my next appointment and in that two weeks I have to find a way to reduce the number of contractions I'm having or I'm done at work. Financially, that sucks but thankfully we have salary insurance that will cover some of it. Emotionally, it sucks because even though I complain about work most days, I really want to be there and the thought of abandoning my kids already makes me teary eyed. I know they'll do fine without me but they're my responsibility and I want to be there for them as long as I can...

Why can't my uterus just play fair just this one time????

24 Weeks...

2012-01-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

How far along? 24 weeks... only three months to go!!
Total weight gain/loss: The scale this morning read 139.5... and I'm hanging on to this side of 140 as long as I can... That puts me up a total of 22 pounds. On a positive note, that is TEN pounds less than I was at this point with Addison! YAY!
Maternity clothes? Yup, pretty much everything has a stretchy waist now...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy.
Sleep: I'm always tired but I'm getting to the point where it's tough to get comfortable... it's about time to dig out the preggie pillow.
Best moment this week: Not really from this week but finding out the gender has been the highlight of the month =] and the shopping spree that followed...
Movement: Lots of kicks throughout the day and I can watch my tummy bounce around. He still hasn't kicked Derek's hand yet - my offspring don't like to cooperate in that department.
Gender: BOY!!!
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, one trip to L&D so far with instructions to 'take it easy' and 'reduce my workload'... whatever that means.
Belly Button in or out? In... but shallow.
What I miss: My cute, skinny clothes...
What I am looking forward to: Mom and dad coming to visit in a couple weeks!!
Weekly Wisdom: 100 ounces of water is A LOT... 100 ounces of pee feels like even more. :/
Milestones: Announced our name for baby boy... Cohen Jeffery...

What a year it's been...

2012-01-01T20:34:00.000-08:00

Birthday I celebrated this year: 30th
Best book I've read this year: Before I Fall (Lauren Oliver)
Best place I've visited this year: That's a tough one because we didn't get to travel this year - I know it's going to seem ridiculous but my favorite memories from this year are of the weekends we spent in Vancouver and Portland while I was doing my ProCert. We stayed at the Embassy Suites, ate at Claim Jumper, and shopped like crazy. I don't however, miss sitting in class all weekend.

Highlights from 2011

Greatest lesson learned: life can throw you a curve ball at any time - spend time with the people you love and remind them about how you feel about them every chance you get
Hardest thing to overcome: the miscarriage in May
Favorite memory: Finishing my MA degree and realizing that I don't have to go to school again. EVER.
What I loved most about 2011: Watching Addison learn and grow EVER SINGLE DAY... she amazes me

Looking forward to 2012

A new skill I want to learn: I want to create an emergency preparedness plan for my family and have an emergency kit in place in the next year
I want to improve at: Being financially responsible... and be credit card debt free by the end of the year
Biggest goal: Be back in my pre-pregnancy clothes a year from today

20 Week Update

2011-12-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how much faster this pregnancy is going - I feel like I JUST did my 16 week update and now I'm back again!

How far along? 20 weeks... halfway there!!
Total weight gain/loss: The scale this morning read 133.3... so, I'm up 16 pounds. I wish I had a scale that could weigh my boobs... because I'm sure 8 pounds or so is resting in my bra.
Maternity clothes? Yeah, some. Bella Band is allowing me to stay in my fat jeans for a bit longer...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy.
Sleep: Love it. Can't get enough of it. Being home for Christmas break has allowed me nap time when Addison naps and I very much enjoy that...
Best moment this week: Making hand print Christmas trees with Addison and giggling with her while I was painting her hands.
Movement: Yes, feeling kicks pretty much every day now. Still can't feel them from the outside though...
Gender: Still thinking girl... which pretty much means boy. We did the Chinese gender prediction chart thingy and one said boy while another said girl... the wedding ring test says girl... EVERYONE else in the world is voting boy. We'll see on Tuesday.
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks contractions every day
Belly Button in or out? In... but shallow.
What I miss: This time of year, I miss being able to have a cocktail with friends to celebrate the holidays.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out if baby is a boy or girl on Tuesday!!!
Weekly Wisdom: There is nothing wrong with spending a day off in your jammies and getting nothing accomplished... sometimes that's the hardest thing to do!
Milestones: Half way there!! Yay!! =]

Bedtime

2011-12-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

The cutest thing is, she was actually saying 'cheese'!

Kisses!

"But I want to jump on the bed at storytime!!"

Bittersweet...

2011-12-17T09:51:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks have been pretty hard on me and I haven't really sat down and talked to anyone to vent it out, so I guess I'm going to ramble on the interwebs and see if it can give me any relief...

I should have been having a baby this week. When I got pregnant in the spring, my due date was right around the 15th of December. But I lost the baby and all of those dreams went out the window. [I want to stop right here to explain that I am SO thankful to be pregnant now and that so far, things are going perfectly with this pregnancy and I do realize that there was some reason that the last baby couldn't have been carried to term... so as painful as it was/is, I have come to terms with the miscarriage.] It just so happens that this pregnancy's timeline leaves milestones on some of the most painful dates - We have our big ultrasound in a week and as excited as I am to find out if baby is a boy or a girl, I can't help but think that I would have been cuddling a newborn baby at that time. I'm due on May 10th, five days after the anniversary of the miscarriage and I really, honestly fear delivering on the 5th of May just because that date holds so much pain for me. I guess I just feel like all of the 'biggies' of this pregnancy have a shadow of the lost baby hovering just out of sight...

I think the other factor that is driving all this anxiety is that we are quickly approaching week 21 in this pregnancy - the week when I made my first [of MANY] hospital visit with contractions. My pregnancy with Addison was textbook in the beginning. After week 21, it went to hell in a handbag - contractions, PUPPPS rash, bed rest... oi, the list goes on and on. I know that each pregnancy is different but I only have one to compare it with and it was so scary at the end and the closer we get to that date, the more I worry. The difference now is that I'm at work all day, so if the contractions start I can't just jump in the car and be at the ER in 15 minutes... I'm already running out of sick leave and I haven't even started my bi-weekly or weekly check-ups yet, and I'm HORRIFIED of going into labor at work... early or on time.

I know that this is all out of my control and I'm positive that is the reason that I'm so stressed about it. I hate not having a plan, not being able to know what is going to happen and when... Being pregnant in the summer sucked for a lot of reasons, but at least I was home, comfortable, and less stressed.... now I'm on my feet, with an audience of 25 at all times, uncomfortable, and... well, I work with teenagers, I'm always stressed. I know there is nothing to do except sit back and let it come as it may... but that doesn't make it any easier.

Date Night with the Hubby

2011-12-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

16 Weeks

2011-11-27T15:35:00.000-08:00

How far along? 16 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 131 pounds on the scale this morning... I'm pretty sure 10 of that is in my bra. My boobs are ridiculous right now. Not even kidding. I'm right on track to gain a ridiculous amount of weight again... rock on.
Maternity clothes? Yeah, some. Bella Band is allowing me to stay in my fat jeans for a bit longer...
Stretch marks? Nada...
Sleep: Love it. Can't get enough of it.
Best moment this week: Had a Home Depot employee ask me when I'm due... which means to some people, I look pregnant, not just fat.
Movement: I've had a few questionable thumps and flutters but nothing I can say for sure was baby and not twitches/gas/my imagination...
Gender: Still thinking girl... which pretty much means boy.
Labor Signs: I started having Braxton Hicks in the last week or two...
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Wine. Lots of wine.
What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with an excuse to eat as much as I want!
Weekly Wisdom: It goes WAY faster the second time around!
Milestones: Month four... almost half way there and finally starting to look pregnant.

Thankful

2011-11-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

Today I'm up early, making cinnamon rolls and prepping the turkey, and all of the things that I'm thankful for keep running through my mind...

Addison... for so many more reasons that I could ever write. She is my sweet, crazy, lovable baby girl and I can't imagine my life with out her in it. I'm thankful for bedtime snuggles, lovies, her silly dances, and every moment that I get to be with her.

Derek for always being by my side, being supportive and understanding even when I don't know what in the world I want or need. For being a far better person than I am and putting up with so much more than any husband should ever have to...

Having a warm, cozy home and food on the table.

A job that I look forward to and that allows us to live life the way we want to.

For my family and myself being relatively healthy. I read about parents who have children with life threatening conditions and I thank my stars that we have been blessed with a healthy baby. I pray every day and night that this next baby will be healthy and strong as well.

Go, Diego, Go... for being toddler crack. No matter how cranky my baby gets... Diego makes her clap and dance.

Having the most amazing friends and family. Ever.

Addison's Big Girl Room

2011-11-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

Well... it's here. My baby girl is spending her first night in her new, big girl room. When she crawled into bed tonight and pulled those covers up to her little chin my heart broke a little when I realized how much she has grown up in the past six months... her head looked so tiny on that big pillow but her ear-to-ear grin and 'momma, big girl!' made it impossible to not let her sleep in there. She still let me snuggle her and read her a story and she cried for a few seconds when I shut the door, but 45 minutes later we haven't heard a peep out of her. My greatest fear is of her falling out of this new, huge bed and getting hurt - so there is a pillow wedged between her bed and nightstand and one on the floor for a safe landing... I hope she doesn't need either one!

Earlier today, while I was waiting for dinner to cook, I finished up some projects that I have been working on. Both of them are directly off of Pinterest and they turned out super cute!

The idea for a light strand with ribbons came from the Junk Garden blog. I bought a 100-light strand for $6 and hit the craft store for ribbon in Addison's colors. I bought 4 spools - yellow, pink, orange, and green - and had two orange ones at home. That amount [in yellow and green] of ribbon only got me about half way through the strand which was a bit frustrating. However, when I measured I realized that it was exactly the right length to go across Addison's headboard and down the side. With the extra lights I am turning her nightstand into a nightlight [it's an old TV stand with a spot for a DVD/VCR]. We are putting plexiglass in the front of the slot and then I'll use the rest of my ribbon (the orange and pink) on the second half of the lights so it will glow a pink-ish color. We're installing a remote switch so we can turn it on and off from her main light switch. It looks super, super cute!!

Another idea that I stole from Nic and Kate is using a Wal-Mart oil drip pan ($8) for a magnet board. We just screwed it to the wall behind her door and - tadaaa! - her magnets have a new home! Pretty nifty idea!

More pics to come as we finish up her room!! =]

Happy Halloween!!

2011-10-31T19:12:00.001-07:00

12 Week Update

2011-10-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

How far along? 12 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Holding at 126... up 9 pounds from pre-pregnancy and exactly where I was last time around.
Maternity clothes? I held out as long as I could, but zippers and buttons and expanding waistlines don't all coexist very well. So, yes...
Stretch marks? Nada...
Sleep: Tired all the time - I'm in bed by 8:30 and could sleep all day... I miss caffeine something fierce!
Best moment this week: Being done with coaching and actually being home with Derek and Addison after work. I miss that...
Movement: Nothing yet...
Gender: I'm thinking (read: hoping) it's another girl... but my intuition was very off last time...
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Coffee
What I am looking forward to: Seeing two of my best friends this weekend!!
Weekly Wisdom: You're pregnant, you're going to gain weight. Might as well not stress out over it too much...
Milestones: Final week in first trimester... I finally feel like I can breathe a little and not think every twinge or crap is an oncoming miscarriage.

I'll give you a stimulus package Mr. President...

2011-10-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

Barack is struggling with this one and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed... so I figured I would take my frustration with life out on our government’s inability to pull their heads out of their asses and get things moving. This country was founded by people who were sick of having the wool pulled over their eyes - they moved out, fought back, and built a country and government that met their needs. And now, we have effectively put their sacrifices in the crapper. How do we pull our nation out of a recession? Let me tell you...

1. Welfare. It's social security's ugly half-cousin. We need it for some; we let the rest abuse it. You want welfare - congratulations. Please show up with your valid social security card and drivers license so we can confirm that you are, in fact, a tax-paying citizen. Pee in a cup so we can make sure that the money we're handing out isn't going to your meth problem. Put your feet in the stirrups and slide your bottom to the edge of the table so we can give you effective birth control - if you already can't take care of yourself, there is no need for you to be procreating and making more people you can't provide for. Welfare now equals a job application. If you apply, we will be calling you to work wherever we find jobs - construction, fast food, literally where ever. If you aren't happy with your job placement, you're more than welcome to go off welfare and get your own job. Your welfare will expire in five years - plan wisely. That is more than enough time to find a job, get situated, and become self-sufficient. If you can't figure it out in five years, we'll go ahead and leave that birth control in because we don't need any more idiots in this country. We've met our quota.

2. Taxes. Everybody hates them but loves all the goodies we get from them. Institute a good, solid Fat Tax. You want to eat fast food and candy bars three meals a day - go ahead. But you're going to pay an extra 25% for that. We'll save that money for when you have a massive heart attack and can't afford your medical bills. You feel the need to smoke and drink? Fine - 25% tax on those as well. Our nation is obese anyway - disgustingly so - if killing yourself isn't motivation enough to quit with the crappy eating habits, maybe an empty pocketbook will be. Legalize marijuana and tax the shit out of it. People are going to be stupid enough to smoke it anyway, why not make it an income sources for our government. We have limits for drinking and driving, implement the same ones for smoking and driving. Not only do you get the taxes, you get revenue from the idiots who get pulled over from going 15 mph in a 50 mph zone.

3. Food Stamps. Same requirements as welfare - drug tests, birth control, five year limit. However, these piss me off to an exponential level. No you can not get 'cash back' on your food stamps to buy the beer and smokes you have stashed in your cart. You can buy produce, dairy, meat, and boxed goods (as long as they don't qualify for the Fat Tax). You want to drink alcohol and smoke? Great, go get a job and you're more than welcome to it.

4. Wars. It's the same lesson I tell my middle school students - if it isn't your problem, BUTT OUT. We are not the world police - if we are, we should be getting a sizable paycheck from all the other countries to help cover our costs. If people want to beat the shit out of each other - fine. That's their problem. Until we can walk down the streets and not see homeless camps and kids begging for food, we need to focus our attention on our own problems. Somebody wants our help? Alright, that'll be $100 million for getting involved and an additional $500 million for every month you occupy our armed forces and governments attention. Costs to much? Then solve your own problems.

5. Education. Well, duh. If we want a country that can run effectively, then we need to be producing citizens who aren't idiots. Fund education - class sizes and teacher credentials matter. Standardized tests are crap. Let teachers teach their material and hold STUDENTS accountable for learning. If a student doesn't want to show up and pull their weight in public education they get two options - work force training or military training. Quit filling our classrooms with lazy kids who aren't held accountable for ANYTHING. You don't want to be here? That's fine - go get a job and earn a living.

6. Illegal Immigration. We can't even take care of our own; we sure as hell don't need to be taking care of everyone else’s too. Want to be a citizen? YAY! We'd love to have you. Just take the test, get a valid ID and social security number, and guarantee that for the first 5 years you live in the country, you will pay 10% of your wage to the US government. Not a legal citizen and not interested in making the effort. I'd like to introduce you to Immigration Services; they have a few questions and a one-way ticket for you. Buh-bye.

There you have it. I have just effectivley solved at least half of this countries problems. Quit being PC about it and worrying about hurting people feelings and start being a government that is charged with the well-being and inerests of millions - not just the suits in the White House.

2 years in the blink of an eye...

2011-09-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Addison,

Two years ago tonight, we were curling up in the hospital for our first night as a family. Your daddy and I were terrified to fall asleep because you were so new and we didn't want to miss anything. These two years have flown by so fast - I can't even put into words how it feels to realize that you have been a part of our lives for only 24 months. I can't imagine what life is without you in it - and as I was rocking you to sleep tonight I realized that in 14 years, you'll be getting your license, in 16 years you'll be graduating high school... when I was younger those milestones felt like they were FOREVER away - but now they already seem to be looming over my head. I know I say this all the time, but if I could just freeze time and really be able to enjoy all of the new things that you learn each day (you used your first three-word sentence tonight!!) and do (and climbed all the way up into your high chair). I just feel like you are growing so fast that I can't keep up! So, this weekend we will celebrate everything that you have become in these FAST two year and everything that you will become in the next one.

I love you more than life peanut... so much more than I could ever put into words.

~ Mommy

Your Words:
poop =], juice, cow, c'meer, no-no!, outside, band, go, move, thank you, please, bless you, snack, papa, Abby, rock, book, purse, horse...

Your Favorite Things To Do:
dance, run, squeal, play outside, swim... and anything water related, put shoes on people, clap, fist bump, high five...

Your Favorite Foods:
pizza, ketchup (thanks grandpa!), nuggets, fruit snacks, apple juice...

Your Favorite Things:

Fresh Beat Band, mommy's cell phone, books, bear-bear...

Your Least Favorite Things:
carousels, raw vegetables, "no", timeout, sleeping in a diaper and jammies...

Mommy's Favorite Moments:
when you said happy birthday to me, getting loves, watching you entertain the volleyball girls, singing with you, rocking before bedtime, hearing you laugh, curling up on the couch and snuggling...

Daddy's Favorite Moments:
swimming, tickling you until you giggle, going for walks, dancing to FBB, snuggling, reading you books at bedtime...

My summertime girl...

2011-08-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

eff. em. ell.

2011-07-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day,

And all I've got to say is make it strong.

It's been a long day,

And all I've got to say is I've been wrong.

So take a leave of absence,

Tell me you'll be gone,

I don't want to see your face.

It's been a long day,

And I just want to hide away.

I've reached my limit. My boiling point. Capacity. I simply have zero room left in my life for pain, for drama, and for the stress that has consumed me in the past six months. Each time something new has happened I have told myself, "this too shall pass" and "keep calm and carry on"... I have repeated the serenity prayer a thousand times... but EVERY time I think it's gotten as bad as it can get, that I will break under the weight of a grain of sand... there is something else.

I have poured myself into the people in my life, given every ounce of myself - to my students, to my family, to my friends, to my child - that it seems now there is nothing left for me. I am drained. No matter where I am, I feel like I'm in the wrong place. When I'm at home I feel like I'm neglecting my parents. When I'm with my parents, I feel like I'm neglecting my daughter and my husband. I'm stuck in the middle... and each time, I have 150 miles to think about who I'm leaving behind. I need to recharge. I need something that is just for me. Selfish? No, I think I'm about due for a break.

I've tried to cope. To deal. To survive. I've done stupid things to try and fill that gaping hole- spending... pills... denial... but it feels like that hole is just going to swallow me up everyday. And some days, I wish it would so I could just disappear and be done hurting. It seems like it's my job to be positive for everyone else... but there's nobody left to be positive for me.

If I didn't have Derek and Addison here waiting for me each day, I don't know if I would have made it this far. I've given up thinking that there is an end in sight to all of the pain. I miss the normalcy of life before all this - being happy and content. I'm actually anxious to go back to work so that I have some consistency, something I can rely on.

No, I'm not suicidal. Yes, I think I probably am depressed. But honestly, do you blame me? I'm just at the point where I don't care what anyone says or thinks - I needed to vent this. Although the people who I wish would read this the most, probably never will. Most of you are complete strangers, and you know more about how I feel than a lot of the people I love the most.

It's exhausting... and I'm tired... I just want my life back. That's all.

Madness falls like raindrops,

Rage boils up from below,

Pain wraps her arms around me,

Her embrace is all I know.

Fear

2011-07-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm scared of a lot of things... spiders, the dark, clowns, stopped clocks. Some of my fears are pretty rational - I was bitten by a brown recluse IN MY BED - so, I get to be scared of spiders. Some of my fears are totally irrational - clowns? I've never even watched It or any other scary clown movie, they just freak me out. Stopped clocks - hell, you've got me. I don't even know where that one comes from. Those fears, even spiders in my bed, aren't paralyzing. I can kill a spider (if Derek isn't home to do it for me), I can walk past a clown (quickly), I use night lights, I change the batteries in clocks as soon as they stop... I can fix some of those fears.

The fear of losing my family - that is a paralyzing fear. Something happening to Addison, or Derek, or my parents. That is a fear that makes my heart race and my hands shake. It's a fear that I don't have control over - I can't fix it, or fight it, or make it disappear with a couple double A batteries.

I have been maintaining a Caring Bridge website for my dad since he got sick - it's been a way to keep friends and family in the loop with his treatment and the ups and downs we have endured in the past six weeks. I try to keep it focused on dad, which after blogging shamelessly about myself for so long, is more difficult than it might sound. I focus on the positive, the medical details, the gratitude that I feel for the people - many whom I have never even met - who have come out to show their support in so many different ways.

That all being said - I am terrified. My dad is sick. My 66 year old dad, who climbs mountains, plays tennis obsessively, hikes and bikes and does EVERYTHING... has cancer. Six weeks ago, we thought he had slipped a disc when he was hiking with friends. It would have been inconvenient because it would mean another surgery and I was annoyed that he pushed himself so hard and got hurt just as they were coming back to Washington. I was annoyed at my dad. And he had cancer. Granted, I didn't know it until the next week, but I still feel guiltly for it. I feel horrible that I was irritated that he was going to be laid up during the one summer they had planned to spend at home and we wouldn't get to go to Hat or boating or camping because he'd be recovering. How selfish AM I?? I know that my best friend would tell me I didn't know, I had know way of knowing, and that I can't beat myself up for it (and I love you for that Tori) but the idea still rips at my heart. After the diagnosis, for a while, things still seemed kind of normal. We knew that dad's back was really messed up and when I checked him out of the hospital last time, I remember thinking - we can do this. He's the same person, he's still pretty strong, he's going to be the same person all throughout this process. I came back a week later and he could hardly move, he could hardly speak, and he couldn't do anything without help. My dad, my superhero... needed help. Then, I came back another week or so later to find him in the hospital, with tubes coming out of everywhere, unable to speak, thirty pounds lighter, dozing in and out of consciousness. That was the moment when I realized how bad things really were... are. So I did what I do best when I freak out - I took over. I got him whatever he needed from the nurses, I cheered him on to get him out of bed, I cleaned up when he coughed up phlegm from the pneumonia, I questioned the doctors, I held his hand, I paid bills. I did whatever I could to just DO something because sitting there and absorbing the enormity of the situation was too much for me.

Now I'm home and I'm two hours away from being able to do something that makes me feel like I'm helping in any sort of way and it's frustrating as all hell. It's everything I can do to not call mom or the hospital 50 times a day to make sure that things are okay. I'm set to graduate in four weeks and I have three horrifically difficult classes standing in my way but I can't focus on the research I need to be doing. I'm disorganized to the point of not knowing what assignments I have due or when (which is NOT like me) and almost to the point of not caring. I just want to pick up my house, my husband, and my daughter and set us all down right next to the hospital so I can be there whenever I need to be without the worry of $25 a day parking, horrendous gas prices getting over the pass, Addison needing a nap, school work, and the fifty thousand other things that I'm obsessing over at the moment.

I. am. terrified. of. losing. my. dad.

I know that he will pull through this - he has to. He is stronger than cancer will ever be... but he is my dad and I don't want him to even have to fight this fight. It's not fair - it's not supposed to happen to him... the star quarterback, the Vietnam veteran, the man who taught me how to ride a bike and shoot a gun, who walked me down the aisle at my wedding and told me during our dance together that as long as I was happy, all the wedding craziness was worth every penny, the man who has a secret handshake with my baby girl. This isn't supposed to happen to him.

I have cried twice since we found out about the cancer. The night my mom called and confirmed what we had feared, I sobbed on Derek shoulder for most of the night. And now, as I write this, I'm crying again. Maybe it's because it's the first time I've really let myself feel how terrifying this whole journey is. I don't know... I just thought that after everything that this family has had to endure so far this year, that somewhere along the line, we'd catch a break. Apparently, life has other plans. So, I will cry tonight and let it out. I will write my research paper tomorrow and I will drive to Seattle on Monday and be with dad as much as I can in two short days. And for now, that's all I can do. But if life feels the need to see how strong we are in this family, then fine. We can take it. We don't have any other choice.

Vodka Rocks Concert @ Snoqualmie Casino

2011-07-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

Derek and I went to the Vodka Rocks concert at Snoqualmie Casino on Saturday night. I was feeling brave last night (could have been the vodka) and decided it was time to accomplish something on my bucket list - getting autographs and pictures with someone famous. So, I became the band stalker for the night. =] The Verve Pipe went on first and they were accompanied by one of the most AMAZING harmonica players I have ever heard (Griff). After their set, I asked one of the security guards if it was possible to get autographs. He asked his supervisor who went back, found Griff, and brought him out. He was so cool and funny... he signed my ticket, took a couple pictures with me, kissed me on the cheek and told me he was only doing all this because I asked so nice and was gorgeous (lol), and then hung out with Derek and I for a bit in between sets. We bought a kids CD that the band made from him and I can't wait for Addison to hear it!! The rest of the band was eating and relaxing and were not going to do autographs but I kept stalking the doors just in case. I asked my supervisor friend if they had already left for the airport and he set off to find them for me (that guy was awesome!!). While I was waiting, the lead singer of the Verve Pipe walked right by me so I jumped at the chance and asked for his autograph and a picture. He is REALLY TALL (and cute)!!

Toad the Wet Sprocket was up next and since they really only have two songs we wanted to hear, we took that time to find some more drinks and get something to eat. We got good spots up front for Candlebox and when they took the stage it was awesome!! =] They played some of my favorites - Cover Me and Far Behind being my two favorites. They also played some tributes to other rock bands which was really cool. The lead guitarist threw his pics out into the crowd after every song and I was determined to get one... but since I'm elbow height for the rest of the crowd I didn't really stand a chance. He threw one toward the end of the concert and it his a drunk guy in the chest and fell to the ground... so I made a bee-line for it and snagged it. Not exactly the same as having one thrown to me, but I'll take what I can get. After they finished their encore performance (Far Behind) the drummer chucked his drum sticks out into the crowd and the guy in front of me caught one. He knew I'd been trying to catch something all through the show, so he gave it to me!

As we were leaving the concert, I saw my security supervisor friend by one of the doors and showed him my drum stick, he grinned and let us in the door he was guarding - we got to go backstage!! We got to meet all the band members, get autographs, and take a few pictures! It was the most AWESOME concert experience ever!!

Grandma Cushman's Memorial

2011-07-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

On June 25, what would have been my Grandma's 93rd birthday, we gathered at Lowell Park in Everett to be with family.

Daddy's Girl

2011-06-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dad,

You are my hero. You have been for as long as I can remember. The snippets of my earliest memories involve tagging along after you, trying to do whatever you were doing - building things, working on cars, playing cards, ANYTHING, as long as I got to be in your shadow. I had arguments with my friends that my dad was cooler/stronger/smarter than their dads. I went hunting with you, even though I was terrified of actually killing anything, because it was something that I got to do with just you. I learned to change my oil and a flat tire so I could spend more time working in the garage with you. I always wanted to be good enough at whatever I did so that you would be proud of me and would put your hand on my shoulder and give me that squeeze that says all the things that words can't say. One of the most life changing moments I had as a teenager was when, in the throws of my rebellion, I had done something awful and had you stressed to the limit. You told me that you thought I was going to cause you to have a heart attack. I know that you might not remember that moment, and that if you do, it might seem like that statement didn't have an impact on me at the time... but it did. From then on, I realized that I wanted to be someone you could be proud to have as a daughter and I have worked so hard to be the best at everything I do because I want so badly to make up for how awful I was when I was a stupid teenager. In striving to make you proud, I've made myself proud - I've married a man that I love, had a child that I couldn't live without, found a career that I'm really good at, and pursued my education. I have friends that care about me and family that I love. And after all of that, you are still my hero - the strongest, bravest, stubbornest man I have ever known and I am so incredibly proud to be your daughter. So no matter what this battle is that lies ahead of us - no matter where this road takes us - you are my hero and I know that you will fight this thing and you will win because you are my dad - and my dad is stronger than anything out there. I may be closing in on my 30th birthday Dad, but I'm still a daddy's girl, no matter what....

I love you and we will beat this.

<3 Munch

Another post where I complain about how cruel life is...

2011-05-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

they are becoming quite frequent posts, no? The way I see it is you're either here reading this because you love me and genuinely care about the struggles in my life or your a cyber-lurker who just reads and never speaks up. If your not, than you can click on another link because this is most likely going to be another session of me venting to the world about how the universe must hate me and how I have it harder than anyone else [that was dripping with sarcasm - yes, I am aware that things could be infinitely worse]. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, allow me to blog...

We have established that I am not pregnant. You can read back over the last month's worth of posts to clarify if you have been MIA. Was pregnant, not now. We met with the doctor last week and were told that based on my blood work and having had a successful pregnancy before, that we can go ahead and try to conceive after I have a full cycle. [TMI ALERT] My period is due any day and I could very realistically be looking at trying to conceive again mid-month. Derek and I have discussed it, and I am going to do the whole barrage of osteopathic remedies again - acupuncture, herbs, etc., which helped me get pregnant with Addison. I want another baby. I know that [remember back a few weeks, I was questioning this...]. I want another baby NOW. I know that you aren't supposed to dive into a pregnancy to fix things but I feel like the only way to heal the gigantic hole in my heart is to get pregnant and have a baby. I know that probably isn't logical - but until I can do that, this miscarriage is going to haunt me.

When I was pregnant, two other women in my life were pregnant as well - one is a friend and one is a family member. We were all due within weeks of each other, and one of them had her son on the same day that I had Addison. Both of those women are pregnant right now. One is half way there, one just found out. I am thrilled for them and for their families, but I would be a liar to say that it doesn't hurt. I don't understand why what I want so badly is so hard for me to have when it comes easily to other people... I don't understand why I had to deal with YEARS of infertility, a complication wrought pregnancy, a miscarriage - why I had to go through ALL of that to have a family. When is it my turn to catch a break? I'm also terrified to set my hopes on getting pregnant right away - I feel like it will make all of these awful feelings go away, but what if it doesn't work. What if I have to deal with the pain of the miscarriage heaped on top of another bout of infertility? That, I don't think I can handle. We'll try a few more times but if it doesn't happen by winter, I don't know if my heart can survive breaking any more.

21 Months... almost.

2011-05-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

Your three favorite friends for bedtime... blankie, bear, and doggy.

Addison,

I haven't written you a letter in a while now - you keep me too busy running around to sit down and write out a real, coherent thought. You are almost 21 months... at the end of this summer, you'll be two. I can't wrap my mind around how fast life has gone by since you arrived. Every time I turn around, you've grown or learned something new. Tonight you didn't want to go to sleep. I was holding you, and baby bear, and your 'juice' [which, by the way is really water, but I don't have the heart to tell you] and you were crying. I asked you if you wanted to go 'night-night' and you shook your head 'no'. So we sat down in the rocker and cuddled for a little bit and you were hanging on to bear and playing with my hair. While we sat there, I thought about all of the things you are able to do now that amaze me.

You run, and climb [on everything], you try to carry five things at once, you dance, and talk, and love to splash in the bath. You hate having your teeth brushed and the only veggies I can get you to eat are still baby food. You are obsessed with cheese, 'juice', and shoes - although you refuse to wear them. You have 12 teeth (and I think one on the way... but we'll see) and the curliest hair ever - perfect little ringlets all over. Recently, you have developed the strange habit of picking your nose and offering your boogs to whoever is close by. It's gross, but cute at the same time... silly girl. You have pooped in the potty twice so far and peed once and I'm excited to start potty training for real once I'm home with you this summer. I think you're excited too... because if your diaper gets too wet at night, you strip off your jammies, take off your diaper [throw it across the room], and sleep naked... often resulting in a wet bed and cold baby. You do have a mind of your own and it's landed you in time-out twice so far... once for throwing a cup at me and once for smacking me in the forehead. You REALLY don't like time-outs or getting in trouble... but you are also a little drama queen and like to play up the tears and quivering lips. I won't tell you now, but it's so hard not to give in and let you have your way. Those big, blue eyes of yours go right to your momma's heart...

It amazes me every day that something so beautiful and perfect is a part of my life - I love you so much. Never forget that. I love you peanut, more than life.

~ Mommy

Your Words:
more, juice, cheese, please, shoes, out, up, mommy [you call EVERYBODY that], potty, poo, no-no [finger wagging included], owl, light, night-night, lyla [Skyla], kitty, nose, mine, dog, outside, go, thank you, coat, bye-bye, Abby, bear, baby, ear, boots...

Your Favorite Things To Do:
take off your shoes, dance, play in your princess castle, play with rocks, go for walks, chase Skyla, climb, tub time, taking your ear plugs out, go down slides, unpack Grandma and Grandpa Tweedy's cupboards, go grocery shopping

Your Favorite Foods:
cheese, strawberry milk, pretzels, yogurt bites, chicken nuggets with ketchup, fish sticks with tarter sauce, nutra-grain bars [strawberry], noodles... all noodles, M&M's [when you go potty]

Your Favorite Things:
baby bear, blankie, doggy, Skyla, mommy's cell phone, mommy's laptop

Your Least Favorite Things:
carseats, diaper changes, earplugs, swings, shoes on your feet

Mommy's Favorite Moments:
pulling up at daycare and seeing you squeal and smile at me, any time I get hugs and kisses, watching you sleep, seeing you play with daddy, playing under the covers with you, dancing with you

Daddy's Favorite Moments:
tossing you on the bed and hearing you laugh, teaching you new words, playing in your castle with you, snuggles before bedtime

Miss Invisible...

2011-05-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

There's a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she can't find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry

Tears in Heaven...

2011-05-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

Baby,

It has been twenty days since you went to heaven... the longest twenty days of my life. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was in love with you. You were the answer to my prayers for our family. I know you were a boy... I dreamt of you the night you went away and I knew that you were my son. Your daddy would have been so happy - a little, rough and tumble boy to play sports with and teach all his "boy" hobbies to. Your sister would have be enamored by you - she would have been your best friend and you would have loved her. She's funny, and energetic, and silly, and loves everyone with her whole heart. She would have been your biggest fan. Your grandpa Jeff would have been thrilled... he always teases me that Addison's name means "Add a Son" and when I told your grandma and grandpa that I was pregnant with you, that was one of the first things he said. Our whole family was so excited for you to be a part of our lives.

Now, I have to accept the fact that I won't feel you move inside my belly, I won't be the first to hold you when you come into this world, I won't get to feel you snuggle with me as you nurse, I won't get to cheer you on as you learn to roll, crawl, pull up, walk, talk, and grow into your own special person. I won't get those moments with you and that breaks this mother's heart. You would have been the best Christmas present I could have asked for.

I know that it wasn't time for you to come in to the world and that now you are up in heaven and that someday I will get to meet the child who would have been mine. But I'm scared that you won't know me - that the sound of my voice won't calm you, that the sight of my face won't make you light up, that I could search all of heaven and not be able to find you. So, baby, please - know that when I get to heaven, I will be looking for your face and anxious to hold you in my arms for the first time. I love you and I wish that I had been given the chance to show you just how much. I wish that my body you have kept you safe and here with us. I'm sorry that wasn't able to do that for you and I will carry that sorrow with me for the rest of my life. I love you baby... don't ever forget that.

~ Mommy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

The only words that have given me comfort...

2011-05-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

came from someone who had also experienced a miscarriage after having a successful pregnancy...

"After you lose that baby, you look at Addison and you realize that SHE is what you lost - another baby that could have been as perfect as she was."

That is what hurts the most... is that Derek and I created a child - one that I could have love and adored as much as Addison, and that baby is gone.

Anticipation of the worst Monday in the history of Mondays...

2011-05-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. H to "discuss" the miscarriage. I've been dreading this appointment since the day it was scheduled. I put off my lab work a week, I didn't call for the results, and I have refused to acknowledge that this is really happening until today... Really, what is there to discuss? I was pregnant, something went wrong, and then I was not pregnant. If I put it in those exact words, I can make it through the days and put one foot in front of the other. If I have to actually, really, honestly, talk about it though - I lose it. I break down into a sobbing mess of tears and snot and hiccups and I become incapable of any coherent thought or speech. So how in the hell am I supposed to walk into Dr. H's office tomorrow, ALONE, and "discuss" what happened and what, if anything, is next?? How do I do that without a hand to hold, without someone to rub my back, or hold me in the car afterwards when the shit really hits the fan and the reality of it all sets in? How do I walk out of that office, through the crowd of anxious pregnant women, waiting to find out if it's a boy or a girl, with tears streaming down my face, ALONE? Of all of the things that I do not want to do alone in this life - this appointment has to be right at the top of the list. Right up there with dying and being really, truly lost in the woods. I remember the appointment where I was told, in not so gentle terms, that I shouldn't set my hopes on having a child of my own. I was alone then too. I sobbed silently in the elevator with the cute pregnant couple and walked to my car. That was as far as I could get - I had never cried like that, like I had lost everything (until the day I miscarried... that put a lot in perspective). I reached the point where I just gripped the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs. The drive home was treacherous - I was sobbing and more than once considered just letting go of the steering wheel and letting fate take over. Derek isn't going tomorrow. He doesn't have enough sick leave. Not even an hour to spare because of how much we have all been sick this year. Does he know how much this appointment is freaking me out? No, probably not. Why, you ask. Well, because I can't talk to him about any of it... he knew I was pregnant for all of four days and the loss didn't hit him that hard. My grief over this doesn't make sense to him. It makes it hard to show someone how badly you are hurting when they don't think it's nearly as awful as you do. He is capable of "not getting attached" and "not getting his hopes up" whereas I am obviously not. My mom isn't here. My best friend lives an hour away and can't be here. I don't have anyone to hold my hand through this... so I am going to be praying for a lot of "virtual" hand holding tomorrow at 2:30... because that's all I'm going to get. I'm sure I'll be posting again soon to let you all know how it went...

Alone

2011-05-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

My scars are neatly hidden,

just beneath the skin.

On the surface I look flawless,

though I'm torn apart within.

There is no mark of torment,

upon my flesh or bones,

Although the pain, it follows me,

Where ever I may go.

Not pill nor touch can heal it,

this brokenness inside,

but somehow I can numb it,

with medicated lies.

I take my pills

and count my sheep,

and drift away to sleep,

knowing that tomorrow brings

more tears...

more pain.....

and sadness that I, alone, must keep.

If I Die Young (The Band Perry)

2011-05-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

"If I Die Young"

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

96 hours...

2011-05-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

I realize that spending 127 hours with your arm crushed under a boulder in the middle of the desert, dying of dehydration, and being forced to amputate your own arm makes for a much more intense story... but the result of my 96 hours has left me with an invisible amputation. I may still have all of my limbs in-tact, but I understand the how amputees can feel pain in their "ghost" limbs, even after the procedure is done.

I have ghost pains of my own.

I think what makes this whole miscarriage so difficult to bare is that there is no physical scar, no missing limb, no visible bruise to validate the amount of pain I feel. I look just the same on the outside as I did before - but my insides feel like they have been torn apart and left to mend themselves. I would almost rather have some physical deformity that served as a reminder of the loss I suffered. Everyone else in my life has gone back to living their normal lives, my husband included, and I feel like I'm in limbo - I'm not supposed to be suffering from this anymore but I'm not healed yet either. I feel like I am the only one who thinks about it every other second of the day, who has woken up more than once and, for a second, forgotten the miscarriage and found my hand on my belly.

I'm haunted by pain.

i carry your heart [i carry it in my heart]

2011-05-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

For my daughter... I love you Addison... more than life.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

Words to hang on to...

2011-05-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain. But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for your way.

How are you doing?

2011-05-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've been getting that question a lot lately... and I don't know how to answer it. I know that people are asking to show their concern after the events of this week... I know that they mean well and that they want to help and that social protocol dictates that when someone goes through something awful, you ask them how they are doing. I always say the same thing - "I'm okay." or "I'm hanging in there." or some variation of that...

If I were to answer honestly, how would they react? If I said, "I feel like part of my soul has died." would they still smile and nod?

If I explained that I get light headed and feel like I am going to pass out every time I go pee and see the blood, would that be TMI? Yeah, probably. But those are the things I'm thinking when people ask...

Do I tell them that I have to take my maximum dose of anxiety meds just to get to sleep and even then that sleep is filled with dreams of babies I can't save, blood I can't stop, and tears?

Do I tell them that I'm afraid to let myself cry again because I feel like if the flood gates open, I may never get them closed?

Do I tell them that a student asked me today when I was going to have another baby and I considered walking out of my classroom because it felt like my heart seized in my chest?

Do I tell them that I feel like the walking dead most of the time? Going through the motions but not really feeling anything... is that what they want to hear?

Do I tell them that there is a shadow hanging over the whole idea of Mother's Day this weekend... despite the perfect child I have and love, I know I'll also be thinking about the child that could have been...

Or do I continue to lie, to placate everyone and say that "I'm fine."?

Do I continue to smile and nod when they tell me it "just wasn't meant to be" or that it was "God's will."?

Because I'm not fine, I'm not okay. I may smile and nod and carry on a normal conversation with you - but I'm not okay. Not yet.

Am I thankful that I have people in my life who care enough to ask? Absolutely. I'm even more thankful for the ones who are able to call 'bullshit' when I tell them everything is okay.

It hurts in my heart...

2011-05-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

I broke down... curled up on the bathroom floor and bawled my eyes out... the sound of little footsteps and the hug of tiny arms around my neck were everything that I needed and more than I could handle. Addison, I don't know how you knew what Mommy needed or how badly she needed it, but at 20 months, you were the first person to truly offer solace today. I love you, more than words can ever say and this awful day makes me cherish you even more.

I don't know which is worse...

2011-05-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

... death or nonexistence.

I had a miscarriage this morning. I had a miscarriage this morning? I had a miscarriage this morning.

I can type the words but I still can't say them out loud without feeling like my soul is being ripped from my body. Okay, maybe that's a lie - I can't even type them with out my heart breaking in two but at least no one is here to watch me fall apart when I'm typing.

Yesterday, I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. Today, I am not. Yesterday, I was laughing with a friend about how miserable my last pregnancy was and how as long as I didn't get the PUPPS rash again, I'd be happy. I guess I was lying. I'd take the rash a thousand times, because it didn't come close to this type of pain.

I hadn't even really announced it yet - I kept telling myself that was because I wanted to wait until the blood work was in, I wanted to know that everything was fine... I think that deep down, when I really thought about it, I already knew. It took almost an entire extra week to get a positive pregnancy test and I had spotting that entire week. I told myself that lots of people spotted early in pregnancy and it wasn't that big of a deal. So, when it went away - I patted myself on the back and felt like I could tell a few close friends and family.

I got to be pregnant and happy for less than a week. Last night, I started spotting again - but this time it was red blood, not brown. We called the doctor and she told us to come in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound and to 'take it easy' for the night... like that could ever happen.

I woke up this morning from a nightmare in a cold sweat. In my dream, there had been some awful accident and there was blood everywhere. I start to get my bearings when I realize that I'm holding something small in my hands. It's my son. He's dying in my hands and I can't stop it - he's so small and there is so much blood and I can't save him. My son. Dead before he ever lived.

I didn't want to get out of bed after I woke up - because I knew that my dream was right and that I wouldn't like what I found when I got out of bed. There was a lot of blood. We went to the ER and in the same place where I had stood, dripping wet after my water broke, shaking because this was IT and I was having a baby... I stood, dripping blood, crying because I was losing my baby. The did blood work and an ultrasound. My quantum level was 38. It should have been near 1,000 by now. My uterus is empty. I was pregnant and now I'm not.

I have been leaking tears all day... with occasional bouts of near hysteria in the middle - when I had to tell my mom, when the doctor called to check on me, when I saw the pregnancy book on my nightstand. I understand the reasons why - something wasn't right and 1 out of 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. But now I'm part of this new group of women - who share something that I never wanted to share... the understanding that there is a type of pain that words cannot describe, and that no-one, unless she has been there herself, can even come close to comprehending.

I don't know where we go from here. Right now, I feel like I never want to chance this again - that I'm done. But a few days ago, I would have told you that nothing could compare to the feeling of knowing that I was giving Addison something that I have always wanted and never been able to have - a sibling. So, I won't make any decisions today. Or any promises.

I didn't even have time to get these on to the computer until today... but I am not going to sit by and pretend that this pregnancy didn't happen. We lost a family member today that we never got the chance to meet...

Baby Tweedy... Known and Loved 4/30 - 5/4

Springtime in the garden of good and..... a toddler.

2011-04-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

Overdue...

2011-04-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

So, at three am this morning I got a text message from the babysitter. There was serious vomiting going on at her house and she wanted to give me the chance to opt out of bring Addison to Pukesville. I texted two of the people on our "babysitter back up" list, but neither one was available. Derek has a crazy week at work this week so it was my turn to take a sick day... so I called out around 5:30 and sent in my sub plans.

Addison woke up around 8ish and we had some breakfast and realized that we were looking at, quite possibly, the one beautiful day this week. So, we loaded up the stroller, harnessed in the canine, and headed out for a walk at 9:15. We went allllll around the neighborhood, up into the new sections and ended up at the park playing on the toys. Our neighbors were there too so Addison got to play with some kids her age and feed Skyla crackers that were supposed to be for the kids. :) Around 11, we headed home and she went down for a nap while I did some yard work and got my shower. We spent the afternoon running errands in town and got home just in time to make dinner, get a bath, and head for bed...

As I was dancing her around the kitchen after lunch today I realized it has been forever since I have had a day where it was just Addison and I - no one else to steal her attention or entertain her. And I missed it. We were whirling around to Casper Babypants (if you haven't discovered yet, you MUST) and she was hugging my neck and squealing as we danced.

It was hands down the best moment I have had in recent history.

Easter Sunday

2011-04-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

The search for the Easter basket...

Why are there eggs on the ground???

The littlest middle schooler ever... =]

2011-04-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Addison LOVES going to my classroom with me... there are chairs to climb on, books to yank off shelves, and paper e v e r y w h e r e to pull out and crinkle... This time she sat still long enough to read the thesaurus =] Her mommy must teach Language Arts...

There is nothing more valuable than a good friend...

2011-03-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

and I'm blessed to have one of the best =]

2011-03-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we went to Camano Island to spend some time with my family and say goodbye to my Grandma Cushman. Derek, Addison, and I drove over Thursday morning to meet up with my parents, aunt, and cousins on the island. We had a great night together, eating spaghetti and drinking wine, while reminiscing about Grandma and our favorite memories with her. Friday morning we got up, headed to the cemetery, and had a small grave side service in her honor. While I was getting ready that morning, I came up with a poem (see, being an English teacher comes in handy sometimes) that I read at the service. It was hard to read and I couldn't keep from crying but I am glad that I did it... After the service we all headed to lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory (are you seeing a theme with our dining choices??) before going back to the island. Things went downhill after lunch - we got back to the island with a baby who hadn't napped ALL day [which for those of you non-toddler wielding people = a SCREAMING, crabby baby], to find out that the cabin was double booked and another family was unpacking while our stuff was strewn around the cabin. We packed in record time [forgot sippy cups and favorite plates) and decided to just suck it up and drive home rather than search for a hotel for the night. We got home just after 9pm and Addison only slept for an hour on the trip home through pouring rain, dumping snow [pass closed behind us], thick fog, and then dumping rain again... thankfully, we all made it home safe and sound and slept in our warm cozy bed. Mom and Dad are here now and we'll spend some family time together for the next few days, which is much needed... Despite all the craziness - I am so thankful that we were all able to get together to grieve and say goodbye to Grandma.

The house that crabs built...

Hubs and I...

Mom and Dad...

Trouble in the middle...

The spaghetti monster...

A toast to Grandma Cushman...

I can be a bit crabby at times... =]

Exhausted baby...

Grandma and Grandpa are together again... after 17 years.

Graveside...

Goodbye Grandma <3>

Poem I wrote and read for the memorial along with Grandma's favorite ring...

My grandma's favorite ring...

Fun at the Tweedy house...

2011-03-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Goodbye...

2011-03-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

My grandma died today.

There really isn't any other way to put that, my last living grandparent passed away and here I am, three hours away able to do nothing but blog in response. She has been ill, has battled dementia, and lost my grandpa when I was in 7th grade... I know that it was time and when we went to see her a few weeks ago, I knew in my heart that it was goodbye - even if I refused to admit to myself then. I promised her we would visit when the weather got nicer and the passes weren't so treacherous and that's she'd see Addison play again. I think we all knew that it was a lie.

I used to think that my grandma was invincible - when I was little she would take me camping, we'd go for walks to feed the horses down the road, I played in their amazing maze of a yard and even though she was my grandma, she never seemed old to me. She served pears and cottage cheese on lettuce with dinner (always on it's own little plate) which always confused me - I'd eat the pear and cottage cheese but leave the lettuce because I couldn't decide if it was for looks or if you were really supposed to eat a veggie, fruit, and dairy all in one bite. She had these pink crystal glasses that she always served my milk in and it always looked so pretty on the table. She made me blueberry pancakes EVERY time I stayed the night and I got to put the blueberries in myself and make my initials in pancakes. She introduced me to English Breakfast tea with milk and sugar, which I still drink to this day, and I felt so grown up drinking tea with my grandma. When grandpa was asleep, she helped me paint each one of his toe nails a different color and he laughed so hard when he woke up. She always took me to the big craft store when I came to visit and bought me some science or art project to keep me occupied while I stayed with her. I raised sea monkeys, I grew stalactite (or stalagmite... I don't know which one grows up) in neon colors, color those velvet pictures, and made "stained glass" in the oven. I remember being cozied up in bed and hearing her wake up in the morning to turn on the thermostat so the house would be warm when we got up. I remember each year getting a different handmade Christmas ornament from her and seeing my Christmas stocking that she made for me (and one for each of my parents) filled to the brim on Christmas morning.I remember feeding the blue jays in the big spruce tree in front of their house and dad always honking twice and waving when we left for the night. I remember camping in Cle Elum and feeding the ducks and thinking that I had the coolest grandparents ever.

When my grandpa died, I think a little bit of grandma died with him. She wasn't ever quite the same after that and I remember standing on the deck of her new apartment after we moved her in and crying because things just didn't feel the same anymore. I know that now she is with grandpa and that he has waited a long time to see her and I know that the life she was living here wasn't what she wanted or deserved - she deserved so much more.

We aren't having a memorial service until her birthday - in June. We aren't going to get together and grieve this loss as a family until summer. We are going to spend three months in limbo - not having said goodbye and not able to move on from it until we do. My parents aren't coming up. This is a time when you are supposed to be with family, talk about the good things you miss, and lean on each other and we aren't doing that. You aren't supposed to just going on living your normal life when someone you love dies - you are supposed to stop and remember them, even if it screws up your plans. I'm supposed to take time off and go to Seattle, meet up with my parents, and be with them. Instead, I will go to work on Monday like nothing has changed and I will continue to do that until the end of June. I feel like in doing that, we are saying it doesn't matter - we'll get around to grieving when we have some free time and my grandma deserves more than that. I don't mean for this to sound cruel or like I'm angry - I just want to grieve in a way that makes sense to me and I can't do that when there is no funeral, no graveside service, no... anything. I want to say a goodbye properly - I don't want them to put her in the ground without people there to say goodbye - that seems sad to me, lonely. I wouldn't want to be buried alone - and I don't want her to be.

I miss my grandma... and whether it's from here on my computer or next to her headstone, I suppose she knows that and that is what matters.

Visit with Grandma Cushman

2011-03-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Dad, Derek, Addison, and I went over to visit my Grandma on Camano Island. She was released from the hospital a few days ago and has not been doing well. It was amazing to see her face light up when she saw us come in the door, especially Addison. It's hard to see her this way but I'm glad we were able to get over the pass to see her. <3

Jammie Day...

2011-02-20T20:47:00.000-08:00

Picture Update...

2011-02-19T18:39:00.000-08:00

Well... we've had quite the hiatus from pictures on here because I've been to busy to edit and upload, but here are a few from today and Valentine's Day. Addison's friend Rylee came over to play for the day and they had lots of fun :) Plus, I got to play with my friend Tori - which was a total bonus =]

Are you seeing the curls on this kid??? OMG!! =]

I vlog because I'm too lazy to blog...

2011-02-07T16:45:00.000-08:00

::gulp::

2011-01-28T11:54:00.001-08:00

It's out.

That means any month now, we could find out we're adding a 'plus one' to this little family.

Fingers and toesies crossed!!

Arizona Vacation

2010-12-30T21:32:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve

Opening presents is HARD work!!

Christmas Morning...

Addison's finally meets the snow...

2010-12-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

After having one of the snowiest winters [so far] since we've lived in the valley, we FINALLY got Addison ready and went out and played in the six or so inches that we got in the last few days. We were a bit ill prepared, we had the snow suit and coat, thanks to my sister-in-law but we didn't have snow boots or gloves... so we improvised. Her baby Uggs went on, but they aren't water proof so Derek decided to wrap them with plastic bags to keep them dry. We also lacked gloves (because we are freakishly AWESOME parents) so we put two pairs of her fuzziest socks on her hands and did the same plastic bag/rubber band trick. Hey, it worked. We made a tiny snowman, which Addison tackled, Derek plowed me with snowballs [FAIL], and Derek tried to snow Addison how to make snow angels but they ended up just rolling around and being silly... it was a fun family moment, and I thought I'd share some of the pictures...

Here mom, I got myself dressed and I'm all ready to go back out and play!!

If you give a mouse a cookie...

2010-12-19T21:25:00.000-08:00

... she will get frosting EVERYWHERE!!

Note to self - frosting cookies with a 15 month old is much more like frosting a 15 month old.

Um. It snowed.

2010-12-11T18:32:00.001-08:00

I was supposed to go to Tri-Cities today to visit my bestest friend... Mother Nature had other plans apparently. I was going to leave around 10:30 or 11 so Addison could nap on the way down and then come home sometime early afternoon... the flakes started falling just before 10 o'clock and they never stopped. We're guessing we've got at least six inches now, we'll see what morning holds... Oh, and here are a few pics of Derek's new truck =]

10am

11am

Noon
1pm
2pm
3pm
4pm
5pm

Vancouver Weekend...

2010-12-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

I had class in Vancouver on the 4th, so Derek and I decided to make a weekend of it. We let Addison with Grandma and Grandpa and headed south toward the [slightly] warmer and dryer weather. We spent most of the day on Friday doing Christmas shopping, had a AWESOME dinner at Claim Jumper, got a little lost thanks to my awesome GPS, and then got to lay in bed and watch a movie to round out the night. Saturday I spent four hours working on my Professional Certification and then we headed home to listen to the Cougs lose the Apple Cup. It was nice to get away for a night, just the two of us, and I love staying at the Embassy Suites... FREE COCKTAIL HOUR!!!!! :)

I now understand toddler tantrums.

2010-12-04T18:47:00.001-08:00

I have been overspending [that is the understatement of the century]. So, I turned over my cards to Derek until I can get my finances under control. I still pay all my bills online but I no longer carry a debit card for my main account. Money for gas, groceries, and spending [yes, I get a little allowance] goes to my credit union where I still have a debit card. That's it. No checkbook, no credit cards, no cash, nada. I agreed to it, I WANTED it, and I know it's for the best but at the time of year when I want to be buying gifts for everyone I love - it SUCKS.

We went to the mall while we were in Vancouver [my bright idea, like an alcoholic going into a bar to 'hang out']. I actually cannot remember the last time I went to a mall and didn't buy SOMETHING - I walked by Sephora, Victoria's Secret, Gymboree, Macy's, Pumpkin Patch, COACH, Buckle, all my favorite stores and I couldn't buy ANYTHING. Derek bought a few outfits for Addison for Christmas but I walked out with NOTHING. I seriously, honestly, truly wanted to through myself down on the floor, kick my feet and scream as we walked out of the mall through Sephora. It was physically painful. I hated it.

It's bad when it affects you THAT badly to not get to buy things you don't need... :/

Lazy day at home...

2010-11-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well... not so lazy, but it was a day off from work which was nice. We took the kitty to the vet for her pokes of the year [which she has not yet forgiven me for], bought our Thanksgiving groceries, and then came home in the -7 degree weather. Addison took a nap so I worked on shoveling the driveway... which didn't end up working out so well. Turns out when snow sits on concrete for two days in sub-zero temps, it turns to ice. So I hacked away at the driveway and sidewalk but gave up about 3/4 of the way through. When you are sweating in sub-zero temperatures, you're working too hard. Before Addison woke up I got the turkey in the fridge to brine [and only spilled once between the counter and the fridge], and roasted some squash for dinner tonight [butternut squash soup]. I vlogged [see post below] and since then have been trying to entertain a crabby patty cakes [aka - Addison]. She has a new tooth poking through on the bottom and she is TONS of fun in the afternoons right now. She played in the dog carrier, Skyped with Grandma and Grandpa in Arizona, played in her chair, unloaded and reorganized my Tupperware, and ate all my goldfish crackers. I had good intentions of doing homework today but I didn't even get to touch it :( Maybe on Friday...

{Just in case you thought I was exaggerating about the temperature today...}

Thanks on Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T14:56:00.000-08:00

Problem solved.

2010-11-20T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am calling it TSB. The Sexy Beast. I <3 it.

{I also <3 having heated seats... that pretty much rocks my socks.}

Things that are going through my head right now...

2010-11-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

1. I hate being on hold - especially for 20 minutes and 23 seconds (and counting).
2. I can't stand NPR radio - especially when I'm on hold and being forced to listen to it.
3. I am in a foul mood. Actually, I'm full on bitchy right now (partially due to being on hold, partially due to who-knows-what).
4. I want a new car and I want to get it over with. NOW.
5. I feel like I'm on the verge of either a panic attack or a full-on melt down. Either way - it's not looking good.
6. I shop when I'm stressed. There are packages arriving everyday this week.
7. I want my freaking doctor's office to answer the phone so I can get an appointment and get my stupid anxiety meds adjusted and go eat something for lunch.
8. I wish I had put something crafty in the crock-pot for tonight.
9. I don't want to come back to Zillah tonight for an insurance meeting. I'm contemplating skipping.
10. I have homework that I don't understand AT ALL and find pointless.
11. I'm hungry
12. Twenty-three minutes later, I have a doctor appointment for NEXT Tuesday. Pray I make it that long.

My stomach gets queasy and my heart starts to race...

2010-11-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

whenever I get near my car. It's not even a rational fear - I know that the accident wasn't my car's fault, it didn't malfunction, no one was hurt, and it's [supposedly] as good as new. I get that. Everyone keeps telling me that. I'm not dumb, I really do understand.

What I don't understand is the fear. The gut-wrenching, nauseating, cold-sweat fear that wells up in my every time I look at it. The shakes I get when I hold the key, how I jump out of my skin at sudden noises, the horrid, helpless, terrifying nightmares that leave me thinking I've lost my child in some unspeakable accident. That's what I don't understand.

At 7:30 am on October 7th I was just leaving the drop off spot for daycare. Addison was safely nestled in her car seat in Cheryl's car, and I was decked out in pink and ready for our Breast Cancer Awareness day in the ZSD. I decided since it was a short week that I should have a coffee to celebrate and I headed into town to the Fuel Yard since I had a gift card left over from my birthday. The drive from the daycare drop to the coffee shop is a mile at best and is right in the heart of Zillah. I slowed down to turn right into the driveway, put on my blinker, and started the turn... I remember that I was contemplating whether or not I should 'go for it' and get a 20oz. coffee or if I should just stick with my usual 16oz. As I was mid-turn, I was slammed into from the side. I remember thinking, "I'm getting in an accident. This can't be happening." and "Where in the hell did this car come from?" The whole accident probably lasted less than 10 seconds from impact to my car rolling to a stop but it felt like an eternity in slow motion. I saw the hood of a white car, crumpled up outside my passenger window, I saw the glass from that window raining down around me, I heard the awful sound of metal giving way to metal and the constant blaring of the other car's horn. I remember coming to and seeing my jeans and realizing that my car was rolling forward and I wasn't in control. I slammed the brake and put the car in park before it rolled into the weeds behind the coffee shop. People were yelling and running and calling 9-1-1. My first coherent thought was that it was so strange that my radio was still playing and Michael Buble was singing along like nothing had happened. I turned off the CD player. I managed to open my car door and tell one of the witnesses that I was okay, I wasn't hurt. I crawled back to the other car and saw a young girl, a high schooler, in hysterics behind the wheel. She was screaming and her airbag had gone off. I sat on the ground and started crying - I think that was when reality finally sank in for me. I was a mix of emotions - thankful that I was walking away, thankful that Addison wasn't with me, terrified of what had happened to my car, furious that I had been hit in the first place, and in pain. My neck, my shoulders, my back all started to ache. My head had a bump on it from where it hit the side window and my hip hurt from where the buckle had yanked on me... but I was okay. I was alive. Once I knew that the other girl was okay, I made my way back to my car and called Derek. I didn't want him to get a call from the school or the paramedics. I told him I had been in a wreck and that I thought my car was totaled. He asked where Addison was and I started bawling. The impact had been on her side. ALL of the impact had been on her side. I looked back and saw broken glass in her car seat and I lost it. The idea that she could have been sitting right there, getting slammed into at 35+ miles an hour, and that I could have done nothing to prevent it, killed me. I got distracted by the paramedics and the ride to the hospital. Derek was there waiting for me and was by my side until I was discharged. I was banged up and destined to be sore, but otherwise okay. The rest of the day passed in a blur - insurance calls, rental cars, doctor's appointments... I thought that things were going to be okay and that the worst was past me.

Then, a few days later, I called to get a tow-truck to pick up the CR-V and take it to the body shop. I went out to my in-laws house to pull it out of the garage and that is when it hit me. I got in the car with the shattered glass and pieces sticking out everywhere and I was right back there at the accident. I was dizzy, shaking, and on the verge of tears.

Now it's six weeks later and my CR-V is once again parked in the garage. The closer I got to this moment the worse things got - I've been having anxiety attacks, I have nightmares about something happening to Addison or something happening to me and I'm unable to help her. I want nothing to do with my car - every time I look at it, I see the accident, I see what could have been. I don't want Addison in that car - I want her in a tank. I want something big, high off the ground... something that will fight back if it gets hit. All I want is to feel safe again in my own car. I want to feel like I am in control again... not like reality is spinning out of control and that every car on the road is going to run a red light, or sideswipe me, or plow into me when I go to make a right turn. I just don't want to be scared anymore.

I used to love my car...

2010-11-12T20:23:00.001-08:00

and now I wish I could find a way to never have to see it again. :(

It's been almost six weeks since the accident and despite my prayers and hopes - it's not totaled {close, but no cigar}. Now I'm a few days away from being behind the wheel of the CR-V again. I can't explain how terrified that makes me feel. It's not rational fear - like that something is functionally wrong with it or that it hasn't been repaired to the best of the mechanics ability. It's that I see that car and I hear breaking class and metal screeching against metal. I see shards of glass in my daughters car seat and hear horns blaring and tires screeching. In the two minutes it took to get in it and pull it out of the garage for the tow-truck, I nearly had a panic attack. My hands were sweating, I was shaking, and I was pretty sure I was going to hurl. There is nothing I want less on this planet than to get in that car again.

Can I just get rid of it? I don't know the answer to that question. The car is a lease and it's not up until this coming May. I don't know what the penalty would be for terminating the lease but it's tempting to say the least. I want something bigger. Something safer. Something that feels like it can take a hit at 35 mph without the world ending. I want a tank. I want something that will keep my family safe. I want something that I don't feel like has already failed me.

I keep praying that the body shop will burn to the ground overnight, or that a meteor will hit the car... or that aliens will abduct it - I really don't care, I just don't want it back.

Fall Family Pictures

2010-11-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

... it's the most wonderful time of the year =] Thanks again to Kristin at KD Portraiture for doing an amazing job [as always] and for featuring us on her website! These were taken at Ahatanum Mission in mid-October when fall was in it's glory around here... Enjoy!!

I really am still alive...

2010-10-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

between work, grad school, ProCert, family, car crashes, and everything in between, I just haven't had two seconds to write... life still spins madly on, even when I can't find time to blog about it. So here is our life, as of lately, in pictures...

Big badaboom...

2010-10-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

I was in a car accident today. I feel like I need to write it all down while it's fresh in my mind and before my pain medicine kicks in for the night...

I dropped Addison off with Cheryl and made a last minute decision to go get coffee, since today was our last day of the work week. I was headed toward town on First Avenue (driving East) and went to make a right turn into the coffee shop driveway. I was almost completely turned when out of nowhere, the car that was behind me slams into my passenger side door. I don't remember hearing a horn or tires screeching, it's like one minute I was trying to decide whether I wanted a 16oz or a 20oz, and the next there is glass flying everywhere, a horn blaring in the background, and the vague notion that my car is rolling down a hill. I hit my brakes and put my car in park and things started to sink in. I checked myself over, realized my neck was sore and my head hurt where I thumped it on the drivers side window but didn't find any blood. Someone ran up to my car and asked if I needed an ambulance and I told her no. She ran back to the other car and I tried to get out to go make sure the other driver was okay. The other car was totally smashed up, the airbag had deployed, and a high schooler was behind the wheel. Her airbag had deployed and she was super shaken up too. Once I knew that she wasn't injured too badly, I went back to my car to call Derek and the middle school. The medics came to check us out and since I was having head and neck pain, they strapped me to a backboard with a neck brace and took me to the hospital. I had a CAT scan done and saw a doctor and was released after my scan came back negative. After that, there were a lot of phone calls to make, a rental car to be found, pain meds to pick up, and finally, a nap to be had. It was awful, scary, and I'm mortified for my car but I am just so incredibly thankful that I didn't have Addison in the car with me - I had dropped her off just a few minutes before and the other car hit me square on the passenger side. I can't imagine what I would be writing about right now if she had been in the car...

I don't understand how the other driver didn't see me - that's the question that everyone has been asking and I honestly don't have an answer for that. I didn't get to talk to her and the officer who called didn't say what happened, just that she was being issued a citation for 'failure to yield'. All I know is that one second everything was fine, and the next it was all falling glass and blaring horns. I'm just thankful that we both walked away with no serious injuries and that Addison wasn't with me for my coffee stop that morning...

Now, I'm off to bed to rest before the real pain and soreness sets in tomorrow - thank you to the guardian angel who was looking out for me this morning...

::ten bonus points if you know what movie the blog title comes from::

Irked...

2010-10-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know this it is probably in poor taste to post this, but it's bugging the hell out of me - so to hell with manners.

I'm disappointed. My daughter turned one two weeks ago and we had a fantastic party with all of Derek's family, my parents, and our friends.

No one from my family showed.

Three people from my family sent cards (which I am SO thankful for and have put in her baby book). I wasn't fishing for presents and I realize that it's a day trip to come visit from Seattle but still... I feel like I'm no longer included in my side of the family. I got married and I moved to this side of the mountains... and somehow that qualified me as a deserter.

I'm annoyed. My feelings are hurt. And I felt like blogging might make it a little easier to sleep since this has been rumbling around in my brain for two weeks...

Minor case of blog diarrhea...

2010-09-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Okay... I haven't written an honest-to-God blog post in AGES which means you may need to get a cup of coffee and curl up on the couch if you plan on reading this all the way through... it could end up being a doozy.

I feel like the school year got off to such a quick start that I haven't even had time to catch my breath yet and we're already five weeks in! I want to be a better teacher this year - last year was a nightmare, coming in partway through the year and feeling totally unprepared made me want to change a lot of things that I do. I've been trying to improve my unit plans, collect data so I can tell if what I'm doing is working, and still keep up on grading and everything else. I have been literally BURIED under a stack of grammar assessments for a week and I am just now finishing them up and getting the data organized. I know it's valuable information, but seriously, I need a TA. Add to that the mix of kids and behaviors that I have this year and it just makes for a frustrating day. My mornings are awesome but my afternoons are really tough. I feel like I spend a lot of time babysitting instead of teaching and I hate that the kids that really are there to learn are being distracted by the handful of kids who act like kindergartners. Normally, I have my room clean and organized, my lesson plans done two weeks in advance, my copies made ahead of time and organized, and my grade book updated... this year, I feel like I'm behind on EVERYTHING and I just can't catch up. I go in early and stay as late as I can but the pile just gets bigger and bigger and my to-do list gets longer and longer.

It doesn't really help that I decided that while working and having a toddler it would be a great idea to get my Master's degree AND my Professional Certification. Every second that I'm not thinking about work because I'm AT work, I'm thinking about it because I'm doing homework of some sort. I'm just finishing up finals this week and I'll have a few glorious weeks of freedom. I am normally such an 'on top of it' person - I have a plan, a schedule, and I stick to it... so to feel so frazzled with assignments and classes is foreign to me. I have to get online each day and post on a discussion board, which seems easy, but so often I just don't get the time to sit down and read through my colleagues' posts and comment on them, which hurts my grade. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't totally overwhelmed with doing my ProCert at the same time. I feel like I'm working on two degrees at once and it's exhausting.

On top of all the craziness with work and school, I've spent the last month planning Addison's birthday party. My baby girl is a year old. I struggled with that concept for a while - I felt like time had passed to quickly, that my baby had moved on to being a toddler, that the magic of the first year had passed us by. Now that the big day has come and gone, I realize that life still goes on after your baby turns one. I love watching her learn new things everyday and grow, literally, right before our eyes. She amazes me, to put it simply. There is nothing that lights up my day like having her throw her tiny arms around my neck or snuggle into my shoulder when I'm carrying her... seriously, BEST. FEELING. EVER.

Which brings me to my next blogging point... Now that Addison has crossed over the one year milestone, I have begun to feel the twitch. It's like my ovaries woke up one morning and started yelling, "HELLO!!!??? When are we making another tiny person??" It really caught me off guard because I have been struggling with the idea of having another baby for awhile. I adore Addison, more than I ever thought possible and I couldn't fathom the idea of sharing that love with anyone else, even another child. I also still [vividly] remember how awful it was to be pregnant - I was bloated, in pain, itchy, and in the hospital more times that I could count. Then there was the epic adventure of breastfeeding and caring for a newborn... mastitis, sleep deprivation, losing baby weight, and not to mention PPD... I was sure that it would take me years to want another baby (honestly, I wasn't sure I'd ever get there...) but now I feel that urge again... I understand now how people can have ten kids - there is something addicting about being so completely in love and wanting to experience it again and again.... I know that we won't start trying again until after the New Year, simply because I don't want to get pregnant and be due before I'm done with my Master's degree, but the thought is there and growing every day... and nagging in the back of my mind is that it won't happen, that we lucked out with Addison (which I would be fine with and am EXTREMELY grateful for) but the roller coaster of infertility is hell and I don't know if I could go through round two...

This last part, I almost didn't include, simply because it's personal and about my dad and I usually don't blog about what is going on in my family's lives out of respect for their privacy... but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't worried sick about my dad. He has cancerous spots on his head - for years he's had areas that they have burnt off and treated but it's never been a big deal. After his trip overseas, however, the doctor found actual cancer cells and while he was here last week he was taking chemo. He was sick and miserable and it was horrifying to see. He's my DAD. He's supposed to be invincible and it scares me to see him like that. I've been praying that it's nothing, like the doctor said, and that we don't have anything to worry about... but it's still bouncing around in my brain all day and night...

I'm sorry that this post was so many random topics crammed into one... As I said before, I've avoided blogging for a few months because I didn't want to acknowledge how fast the year has gone by... but I have found that blogging is very much like pooing. Once you get the urge you had better just sit down and take care of it or you're just going to get more uncomfortable and unable to focus on anything else as time goes on... =]

It's her birthday and she'll smear cake everywhere if she wants to...

2010-09-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

Addison's first birthday party was a huge success - thank you to everyone who came and helped us celebrate. Addison decided she would unveil her new walking skills and was walking ALL over and showing off for all her friends and family.

[pause for intermission and bath time]

I am the mommy of a one year old.

2010-09-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

And here she is... in all her blue-eyed glory, taking a stab at a birthday cupcake. We're calling it a warm up for the big cake she'll be mauling at her party on Saturday.
Happy Birthday Addison!!

A Year.

2010-09-14T10:19:00.001-07:00

Addison...

A year...
12 months...
52 weeks...
365 days...
8,765 hours...
52.949 minutes...
31,556,926 seconds...

It all feels like a single heartbeat.

I have been avoiding the blog lately, blaming work, school, and life for being too busy to blog. The honest truth, that I know deep down in my heart is that I've been avoiding this post. I kept thinking that if I didn't write out the words "my baby girl is one today" that it wouldn't happen. I can't even comprehend how fast this last year has gone by - I think back to the night I went into labor, driving to the hospital with your daddy and realizing that in that moment we were going from a family of two to a family of three... laying there with you on my chest just after you were born and finding out for the first time what love at first sight really meant... laying awake at night just watching you sleep... calling the nurse for EVERYTHING because I was too scared to do something wrong.... driving home from the hospital a good 15 mph under the speed limit because we were terrified of every car on the road. I think back to those first nights at home, sleeping with the bathroom door open and the light on so we could see you because we were so scared that you would just disappear in the middle of the night. I remember all of it like it was yesterday. But then I look at you, smiling, clapping, walking, CLIMBING, and I realize it's been much more than that. How are you a toddler already?? This has been the best year of my life, and even though I'm sad it's gone by so quickly, I'm blessed to have been a part of it. You are my whole world baby girl... forever and for-always.

I love you peanut, more than life.

Love,

Mommy

Flying by the milestones...

2010-08-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm deliberately avoiding the post where I say, omigosh my baby is almost one!! Things are already happening too fast around here... bear crawling, walking... how can there only be two weeks until her birthday?????

Addison's First Hike!!

2010-08-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

My dad and I took Addison on her first hike up to Boulder Cave. We had lunch by the stream and even hiked all the way through the cave, something I've never been brave enough to do before. It was so much fun and Addison loved every minute of it!! She and 'Opa' Jeff are going to have lots of fun together in the great outdoors!!

I'm baaaaack...

2010-08-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

I have been away from the blog for weeks... but I've had good reason. Next week, I return to the world of the working - no more lazy days, playing with my baby girl and soaking up her sweet little smiles and silly dance moves. In the last week, we've made two trips to Seattle. First, Addison and I went to visit friends that I haven't seen in years and that Addison has never met. We got to catch up, have fun, and reconnect - which was really special for me. Then, after being home for two days, Derek and I packed up again and the three of us spent the weekend at my parents beach house. The weather couldn't have been more perfect and it was a great little family getaway before the new school year kicks off...

Here are some of the pictures and videos from our adventure to the island...

Yes, I'm still alive...

2010-08-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

just CRAZY busy trying to manage mid-term project, back to school, and loads of mini-vacations... I promise an update come Monday, but I have a weekend of relaxing ahead of me...

Poor baby...

2010-07-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

Monday morning started like any other Monday... I laid around in bed waiting for Addison to wake up. My parents called from Croatia and we got to catch up and Addison even woke up in time to chime in during our conversation. She chatted it up with my mom and was her normal, silly self during breakfast. She finished eating, got out some toys, and played for a while. Around 10am she started fussing and I thought maybe naptime was coming a little early. I picked her up to go change her and realized that she was BURNING up. I took her temperature and it read...

And for the next 11 hours this is what my day looked like...

Despite the Tylenol, luke-warm bath, cool rags, and everything else we could think of, her temp stayed up and by 10:30pm she was shrieking, still had a fever, and refusing her bottle. After calling the nurse hot line, Derek and I decided it was time to go to the ER. Thankfully, we got in right away but at trip to the ER always requires at LEAST 3 hours of your time... We left with the diagnosis of stomatitis. Since it's a virus there really isn't a whole lot that can be done for it - we were just told to push the fluids (which is almost impossible with a baby who has ulcers in her mouth and throat). We headed home around 1am...

Tuesday we decided that we wanted to have Addison checked out by our pediatrician. While we were waiting Addison decided to entertain the babies in the mirror... this picture makes me realize what life could be like if we had triplets :)

The doctor confirmed the ER's diagnosis and gave us some suggestions to help make her feel better until the virus ran it's course. After we got home from the doctor, we gave Addison her first dose of... well, everything . With a combination of Tylenol/Ibuprofen for pain and to keep her fever down, Benedryl/Maalox combo to coat her throat, Baby Oragel to numb her mouth, herbal throat and gland spray from my friend the Natropathic Doctor to sooth her throat and fight the virus. After combining all of <--- that we were able to get her to drink some fluids and even eat a little dinner. We went on with our normal routine for the rest of the night and all got a glorious twelve hours of sleep last night ::chorus of angels:: She woke up this morning her usual happy self and so far... it looks like the worst is behind us and I have my happy little girl back.

Written in ink.

2010-07-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

I got a tattoo on Tuesday.

I carried Addison for nine months. My body protected her, nourished her, grew her, and then brought her into the world. When I held her in my arms for the first time I understood the quote about having my heart going walking around outside my body. Losing that bond with her - that physical connection we had before she was born - was painful for me. I needed something to symbolize that bond - something physical, something permanent.

I got Addison's first and middle names tattooed on the inside of my right foot along with the symbol for the bond between mother and daughter. It hurt. Badly. It was worth it.

Summer Family Pictures...

2010-07-19T21:01:00.001-07:00

Very special thanks to Kristin at KDPortraiture for doing such beautiful pictures!

9/11 in July...

2010-07-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not referring to THAT 9/11... I'm referring to my 9/11, my birthday. I told Derek a while back that I really wanted to go to a concert at the Gorge again - I have only been twice and not since college and it is such a beautiful place to see a live performance. (If you have no idea what or where the Gorge is, go here... then be jealous that it's only a hour from my house =]) Anyway, Derek gave me two choices for concerts for my birthday present - Dave Mathews Band or Kings of Leon. Now, had it been between ANY other two choices, I would have picked DMB, no doubt in my mind, but I have been dying to see KOL and this was my chance!! So, he booked tickets as close as we could get - row 17, which was just about perfect.

Saturday morning Derek came in and asked if I wanted to make a day of our outing and go see a movie in Ellensburg and go get Pita Pit (my FAVORITE lunch spot) and of course I said yes... This was the first time I'd be away from Addison overnight (gulp!) but since we didn't expect to be home until after 1am, it was easier for her to go stay with Derek's parents. We dropped her off around 11am, said our goodbye's (mine tearfully), and then headed north. The movie theater wasn't open when we got there so to kill 20 minutes, we wandered around Bi-Mart (oh the joys) and bought some random things for the house (and a polka dotted lunch box for me!). We had decided to see Inception and it was so worth it! I really liked it, even though I was super confused for the first ten minutes or so... but it ended up being a great movie. After the movie we had lunch at the Pit and then headed for the Gorge.

The weather was perfect for a concert - sunny, about 90 degrees, and enough wind to keep you from over-heating.

I think that buying drinks at concerts rivals Las Vegas as far as price is concerned but I did get a very tasty margarita in a fancy schmancy guitar glass... and it was HUGE. Don't worry - I drank the whole thing so it was worth the money ;)

Me and my trusty drink in front of the stage...

The place was packed... and as is the case with any concert we saw all sorts of interesting things... a whole group of guys dressed in neon green and black spandex wrapped in Canadian flags, freaks and geeks of every make and model, the fake boobs on the girl behind us when she pulled them out to let some guys snap a picture, more tattoos than I can count, someone getting dragged out by four security guards, and loads of other fun stuff... See that guy in the plaid shirt in the picture below... he was paying the girls in front of him to flash him... good time. :)

The view from our seats during the first two performances. The opening acts were The Features and Built to Spill. They were alright but they were nothing compared to KOL!

Kings of Leon on stage!!!!

(All of my pics were taken with my phone, so sorry that they aren't the best quality. I recorded a couple of video clips too, but they sound pretty awful with everyone screaming. Here is a video from YouTube of one of my favorite songs of the night...)

I had so much fun last night and I am so thankful that we got to do something special and fun for my birthday this year... last year was a bugger because I was in Labor and Delivery on my birthday and it wasn't a very fun party. I'm not gonna lie though... getting up this morning and getting over to pick Addison up was the highlight - I missed her so much! I even slept with one of her stuffed animals so I could smell her all night. This was the first time that I have gone to sleep without holding her and cuddling her since she was born and it was tough. However, we all survived and it showed me that I can leave her overnight without exploding or having a meltdown. That being said, I rocked her to sleep tonight and breathed in that sweet baby shampoo scent and loved every second of it... going out once in a while is fun - but every thing I want and love is right here at home. =]

10 months...

2010-07-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

Addison,

Ten months. Double digits. How did we get here so fast?? It seems to me that every month goes faster and faster and every day you grow more and more. I know I've said it a hundred times, but I wish I could keep you like this forever (even as you are presently assaulting my laptop with your sippy cup). Our neighbors just brought home a brand new baby last week and I was there when they came home from the hospital. He was SO tiny and helpless - it's actually hard for me to remember you being that little and new. I think that is what makes this whole growing up thing the hardest on me - I tried so hard to memorize every moment of you when you were a newborn because I knew it would go too fast but I can't remember the 7 pound weight of you in my arms. Seeing you next to that little baby made me realize just how much you have grown and changed in the last 10 months.

You are quickly going from a baby to a toddler - with ideas and curiosities all your own. You want to explore, you want to be the center of attention, (right now you want a yogurt melt so bad you are beating me with the bag :::pause:: and now you are happy for a moment), your smile melts my heart and makes my day, and being home with you this summer has been the best month of my life to date. I loved being home with you when I was on maternity leave but I was so clouded by hormones and the intense fear of doing something wrong that I didn't get to enjoy it like I wish I could have. Now, I feel more comfortable in my own skin and in my role as a mommy and I love every second that I get to have you to myself. I can't believe that in four weeks, I'll be getting my classroom ready and school will be starting again - which means no more long summer days with my baby girl. It also means we are marching very quickly toward your first birthday...

What you've been up to lately:

Pulling up ALL the time and cruising around on the furniture.
You know where you toys are stored and you are more than able to go, dump over the basket, and get what you want out.
You still do the inchworm crawl (which we love) but when you want something that is out of your reach you'll crawl on all fours.
You eat just about anything we put in front of you.
You LOVE water - swimming or bathtime, it doesn't matter to you.
You poop in the tub EVERY NIGHT. This is a stage your father and I are anxiously waiting for you to outgrow.
You 'sing' and dance all the time and it cracks us all up.
You LOVE the dog - she's your pal and she loves you back.
You drink out of a sippy cup during the day and feed yourself finger foods like a pro.
You're a daredevil - you love being tossed, spun, crawling OVER your dad and I when we're on the ground, trying to get on the stool... the list goes on.
You just recently learned what the word 'no' means and you don't like it. As a result you have mastered the pouty lip face and cry to respond to all the 'no's' you get during the day.
You have a fascination with all things electrical, which freaks me out. Cords, remotes, the laptop, outlets - you name it, you want it.
You say 'Dad' all the time, you say 'Mom' when you're up to no good, and 'Bob' when you are just chattering... plus a whole language of your own that cracks us up all the time.
You have grown hair (mostly in a mohawk, but it's cute) which makes me so happy because I was bald until I was two!
You are just barely getting into your 9-12 month clothes - you can wear most of the tops but the bottoms are still huge on you.
You still only have your bottom two teeth but your dad and I have been convinced for the last MONTH that you've been teething... I think you're making liars out of us.
You'll be spending your first night away from home this Saturday - which I'm sure will be harder on me than it will on you... but still.
You still are no good at napping... sorry daughter, but it's just not your thing :)
You love entertaining strangers - anyone who looks your way gets smiles, laughs, and a good look at those big, blue eyes. The senior citizens of Yakima (particularly those at Fred Meyers are you biggest fans)
You dislike being the the car... or carseat. You are NOT one of those baby's that we could put in the car, drive around the block, and put to sleep. If you fall asleep in the car, you are wide awake the second we turn it off. And if you don't want to be in the car, you scream the WHOLE. WAY. THERE. Good times.
You are crazy on the changing table. You squirm, roll, and scoot, and even try to steal your dirty diapers. Most days you and I both end up with poop all over us at least once because of your shenanigans.
You are an awesome eater (fingers crossed that it lasts). You'll try almost anything and even if you aren't a fan at first, you usually go along with it. Veggies, fruits, meats, they're all good in your book. My only concern is that you aren't head over heels with mashed potatoes... we'll have to work on that.

As always peanut, I love you, more than life...

<3 Mommy

Hot Summer Days...

2010-07-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

4th of July

2010-07-05T21:41:00.001-07:00

Up, up, and away...

2010-07-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

She's been doing this for a while now but every time I get the camera out she goes and plays UNDER the coffee table instead of pulling up... today she was even standing in her crib when I came in to put laundry away... I guess now everything in our house has to move up another foot :)

Team Switzerland

2010-06-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

Did I drag my butt out of the house for the midnight premiere of Eclipse? HELL YES I DID!
=]

This is the third year that I have picked up a group of students, headed for lower valley in the middle of the night, and spent hours soaking up the saga that is Twilight. I loved it, I thought it was the best one so far - the acting and special effects were so much better than in the first two. I hate the running scenes in the first movie because they look so fake but now it looks much more believable. The mood was darker and scarier, which was awesome, and all of the important parts of the book were there in the movie.

Was the movie as good as the book? No, they never are. Will I be going to see it again and buying it on Blu-Ray when it comes out? Yes, I will.

Am I Team Edward or Team Jacob? Neither - Team Switzerland works for me.

Addison's Island Adventures...

2010-06-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

Early Monday morning, I loaded up the car with enough diapers and clothes to last a week and headed west to visit my parents for a week. Derek had to work :( so it was just Addison and I on our little vacation. We stopped in North Bend for a snack and a shopping spree at the outlet mall and then headed to meet my parents at their boat. The Pacific Northwest finally got the memo that it is summer and the weather cooperated (for the most part).

We got up on Tuesday morning and headed for the beach. My dad was so excited to carry Addison in the Baby Bjorn, until he had to lug her up and down the hill to the beach - even 17 pounds gets heavy after a while! We walked along the beach and Addison got to see seagulls, clam shells, a bald eagle feather, and get sand between her toes (which she wasn't too sure about!). Grandpa rinsed her toes off in the water and she tucked her feet up so far they almost disappeared!

On Wednesday mom, Addison, and I went shopping at Alderwood... per my usual, I spent way too much, got way too much good stuff, and had way too much fun doing it. :) I do miss living on the west side when it comes to shopping...

On Thursday, we took the boat and went over to Whidbey Island to visit some friends of my parents. Addison and I walked along the beach and then settled in to enjoy some snacks. Addison tried watermelon for the first time, she loved it but wore more of it than she ate. On the way home, Grandpa let Addison drive the boat. :)

We had some firsts while we were away... first off, pulling up and standing ::points at picture below:: AHHH! She's done it several times now and she thinks it is just SO COOL to be able to stand. Especially when wearing Jellybean Striped Baby Legs. Another first was Addison's discovery of laughing. She has giggled for months now, but she just discovered that if she wants to laugh, she can, and inevitably, someone will laugh back. She was in the tub on night, tooting bubbles, and laughing at herself. I was laughing too, until she pooped in the tub.

After exploring the house, Addison decided it's still more fun to climb people... so, I snapped pictures while she schemed ways to get her hands on the camera.

Friday was my Grandma Cushman's 92nd birthday. My dad and my Aunt Judy picked her up and took her up to one of the waterfalls they used to visit as a family. Mom and I headed into town and raided Babies R Us and then stopped to get pedicures. While we were getting our toes done, we ran into Carole, our wedding planner. It was a chance meeting and it was so fun to see her!! After our toes were beautified, we drove up to Everett to meet for lunch at Applebee's. We ate lunch and visited for a while and then went to a nearby park to have cake. Addison go to go on the swings and she had so much fun!!

On Saturday, my mom and I took Addison to the beach to look for moonshells because the tide was so low. We found a few, but they were still inhabited by their snails. The first one we found was busy eating a clam. I found a little sand crab for Addison to see and she mauled it when it crawled in my hand. Thankfully, the little guy survived and Addison didn't get her first taste of seafood.

Later that day, we drove down to the duck pond to feed the ducks. Addison loved the birds and they were more than happy to snack on our bread from dinner the night before.

Sunday came all to quickly and we had to pack up and head back to the main land. I drove my parents to the airport and dropped them off for their summer long trip to Europe. It was a great to see them and get to spend a full week with them before they went off on their adventures.

Have I told you lately...

2010-06-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

... how much I love my daughter?? I've been a stay at home mom for a week now (go ahead, laugh) and I wish I could do it forever. I love playing all day, getting to see all Addison's silly moments, and feeling more like a MOM. When I'm working all the time, I feel like I come home, make dinner, feed Addison, do our bedtime routine, and then it's homework and bedtime for me. Having these days together means the world to me and I want the next two months to go by SO SLOWLY ::did you hear that universe, SLOW DOWN::

Tomorrow Addison and I leave for a week to stay with my parents at the beach... pray for good weather, safe driving, and good sales. Poor Derek has to stay home and go to work while we go and play :( but this is the last time I'll see my parents this summer as they're off to Europe for the summer.

Addison is wearing her "Twinkle Toes" shirt that we got at Old Navy - my dad uses that nickname ALL the time when he can't remember someone's name... I think it's so cute!!

The post where I get all gushy about how great my husband is...

2010-06-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

You know, the Father's Day post. That guy ::points up to picture:: is the most amazing man in the world. I talk to friends and family and tell them how he's up in the night with me when Addison wakes up (and has been from the beginning) making bottles and changing diapers, he cooks, he cleans, he crawls around on the floor entertaining our baby, he picks me up off the floor when I'm so sick that I can't stand up, and he does it all without asking for anything in return. When we came home from the hospital and I was scared to pick up Addison wrong for fear I'd break her, he was the one who put her in the car seat and took charge when it was her bath time. I still stop and stare at him in wonder some days... because I don't know how I got to be so lucky.

ISO a BFF

2010-06-15T16:43:00.001-07:00

I am an only child. Up until a few years ago, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I had the undivided attention of my parents and got to go places and do things that most of my multi-sibling friends didn't get to do. I loved being the only one. Now, I'm older (some might say wiser but it's still up for debate) and I understand what I missed out on. Having a sibling would permit me one person in my life, near my own age, who was always there. I get that siblings don't always get along and sometimes they don't even like each other, but at least they have that option...

Let me start at the beginning...

Growing up on the outskirts of Marysville, I was surrounded by boys. My neighbor, Matt, and I were practically raised together. Our parents were all friends and we spent endless weekends camping and hiking with them. Matt let me tag along with the boys, he taught me to climb trees, build forts in the blackberry bushes, catch tadpoles (and release them in a neighbors pond... NOT a good idea), and do all the 'tom-boy' things I loved as a kid. We learned to shoot guns together, chased each other around the campfire, and were pals for my entire childhood.

Then came middle school... suddenly, it became taboo to be friends with a boy if you weren't going to call him your 'boyfriend'. Since Matt and I were practically siblings and that would have been a tad bit incestual, we went our separate ways, only talking at the bus stop. Fortunately, around this time, I met Becca. We took horseback riding lessons together and pretty soon were inseparable. I mean that. She went to a different school but every second that we weren't in school we were together at the barn or at one of our houses. That continued through high school and although we lost touch when I went to college, she was still the maid of honor in our wedding and someone that I still count as a friend, even though we almost never get to see each other.

High school. Ugh. I lived on the fringes of the in-crowd... I didn't do sports or any trendy activities - I rode horses and that was not on the acceptable list of things to do. I was however, friends with some of the 'cool kids' and they kept me around although I was never really included in anything... Looking back, I really hated high school. I did find one amazing friend in my three years at MPHS - Lisa. We met in some random math class and pretty soon we were carpooling to school and holding up signs for a car show in our bikinis on the side of State Street (which made the news, mind you). I took her to the doctor when she thought she was pregnant (which ended up being correct) and we taught swimming lessons together to the SPED kids in our district. But again, I left and went to college and we lost touch. Lisa was a bridesmaid in our wedding and her daughter was our flower girl and I love her and her adorable family to death... but I can't remember the last time I saw her in person.... :(

I met Derek right off the bat in college, and per my M.O. I built my life around him. We spent every waking moment together and I didn't really have time to make a lot of friends. Those that I did make ended up either a) moving away or b) becoming psychopathic stalkers (okay, only one of those). We moved to Yakima right after we got married and soon after I started attending CWU to get my teaching certificate. I slowly got absorbed into a group of girls that I really got along with and became close with one who I would say, for a time, was my best friend. Things in that group went to hell in a handbag and we've lost touch, to say the least. My neighbor Amanda was also one of the closest friends I've had here in Yakima, but she and her hubby moved to Seattle in January for his job and we don't talk nearly as much as I'd like... So again, I moved on and started trying to meet new friends. I have a great group of girls that I get together with every month or so but no-one that I feel comfortable calling up at 9pm and bawling my eyes out to when Addison had a rough day or Derek and I had a fight. I don't have a best friend. A BFF. Hell, I don't even have a BF, and that's what makes me sad.

This isn't meant to be a 'woe is me' post (okay, maybe a tiny bit)... but I'm really starting to feel like that guy from 'I love you, man' who starts friend dating to find a best man for his wedding. I feel like at 28 years old, everyone has already made their connections, everyone else already has a BFF.
The problem is, I'm weird. I'm neurotic. I'm silly. I'm self conscious. I'm completely OCD. It takes a really special person to 'get me' and still love me. When I become friends with someone, I give my all and I expect the same in return - it's not that I'm looking for someone to lean on and vent to as much as I'm looking for someone who will do the same in return. Someone who I can confide in and not worry about being judged or talked about... someone who will sit and eat Ben & Jerry's with me after a shitty day. Someone who will gush over Coach bags and cute shoes and who understands how freakish it is to find that wiggly, jiggly, flabby skin on the back of your arms... a girl friend.

So my questions to my interweb friends - who I love very much... is how do you go about making friends?? Not just people that you can have a drink with every once in a while, but honest to God, FRIENDS. Cuz apparently, I missed the memo...

9 months...

2010-06-14T20:12:00.001-07:00

Addison,

Nine months. When I first got pregnant, that sounded like an eternity. I couldn't wait to meet you, to see your face, to hold you in my arms. I counted each day and week and looked forward to when that 'finish line' would appear in front of me. Then, before I knew it, you were in my arms. Now, nine months has flown by so fast that I feel like I can't even catch my breath. For the first time, you have been outside in this world longer than you were safe inside my belly. I can't really explain why, but that is a bittersweet milestone for me. I felt like up until now, you had spent more time inside me than you had in the world, and somehow that made you more 'mine'. But now the scales tip, and each day you've been outside longer... each day you get bigger, smarter, sweeter, and more like a little person and less like a helpless infant. I'm thrilled to see you thrive, to watch you discover the world around you, to see you reach for me and smile at your daddy. But I'm also sad because it's going too fast - already we're talking about your first birthday party... how can that be?? What I am thankful for is that now I get to spend almost three uninterrupted months being a mommy. My days consist of you baby girl and I'm so excited to have you all to myself for the summer.

As always, I love you peanut... more than life.

- Mommy

--------------------------------------

Here is what you've been up to lately:

Loves: Scooting! Mommy's purple coaster set! Bath time! Hanging upside down! Being outside! Skyla! Your pool! Pulling everything off the coffee table! Necklaces! Flirting with strangers!

Hates: The changing table! Nose sucky thingy! Pooping! Getting out of the tub! Seeing your bottle and not getting it right that second! Not being allowed to chew on electrical cords!

I have been told you pulled up on the coffee table and stood up, but since I wasn't here to witness it, I refuse to believe it. My baby girl isn't standing yet. No way, no how.

June 12, 2004

2010-06-14T09:45:00.001-07:00

Six years ago I married the man of my dreams. As I walked down the isle, I believed that I knew what love was - but now I realize, I only had a glimpse of love. He is my best friend, my husband, and my whole world. He gives everything and asks for nothing... He is more than I deserve and everyday I thank my lucky stars that we found each other.

So here is to the next sixty years...

Across the years I will walk with you,
In deep green forests, on shores of sand,
And when our time on Earth is through,
In heaven too, you will have my hand.
-Robert Sexton

School's out for summer!!

2010-06-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

No more lectures, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks! (Or something along those lines...)

What a year it's been... I started the school year on bed rest and had Addison three weeks after school started. I took as much maternity leave as we could afford and started my year just after Thanksgiving break. It was awful being away from Addi - the first day back I cried and cried and seriously considered quitting my job. But it got easier (slowly) and as I got back into the swing of things I even started to enjoy my job again. I'm not going to lie and say this year was a piece of cake - I struggled with learning to balance mommyhood and being a professional, I struggled with not getting the year off to the start I would have preferred, with not having enough time to cover everything I needed and wanted to, and with students who didn't want to meet me halfway in their education process. I said goodbye to some of my favorite kids (I know, teachers aren't supposed to have favorites, but I do.) and will be saying goodbye to my principal today. I'm going into the summer not knowing who my boss will be, what I'll be teaching, or what the next year holds for me but I go into it also knowing that this was the hardest year EVER and I survived. Now I get two and a half months to spend with my daughter and hubby, to work on my Masters, and to (hopefully) get a tan - if the sun ever decides to show up here in Washington!
Happy Summer!!

If you want so see other pictures from our last few days of school go here.

So. Sick.

2010-05-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

O.Em.Gee.

I am so bloody sick. Addison had it. Derek had it. Now it's my turn. I spent three hours being violently sick this morning, passed out twice from throwing up so much, and have lost 6 pounds in a day.

Also... I will very likely not eat tacos again for a very, VERY, V-E-R-Y long time.

::retracts claws and takes a deep breath::

2010-05-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

It's a bummer that I don't blog about marital discord. Because this one would be a doozie.

Summary:

Derek has been puking and in bed ALL DAY. He just left to go watch the fight on PPV with the boys. Um. WHAT? So, I'm home with a sick baby and a bitch of a research paper that I won't get to even start on until after she goes to bed. I have nothing else to say.

2010-05-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, my blog has just gone through it's first major make-over... new header, a button, and a siggy... you all have NO IDEA how tech savy I'm feeling right about now!!

The terrible towel...

2010-05-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

We were getting Addison ready for her bath and Derek walked out of the laundry room with one of her pink, hoodie towels on his head... We haven't laughed this hard in a long time - sometimes you just need to let loose and be silly...

8 months...

2010-05-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

Eight months (okay, I'm a wee bit late)... it seems overnight Addison went from this little peanut who needed us for everything to a little crawler.... here's the update...

Length: 27 inches
Weight: 16 pounds
Loves: crawling! shiny pop cans! pulling mommy's hair! sitting up! baths! binks! doggies! kitties! mum-mums! playing with daddy! dancing! singing! talking! fuzzy blankets! tags!
Hates: being in the backseat alone... pooping... broccoli... the nose sucky thingy... diaper changes...
Newest moves: crawling, sitting up alone, holding the bottle...

My baby girl is crawling... howdidthathappensofast????

We went up into the mountains with Derek's parents to scout camping sites for next weekend. On the way home, Addison started singing to us...

Who would have thought that one of the hardest parts of baby proofing the house would be teaching Raja how to get from the side of the gate with the kitty litter box to the side with the food and water bowls? It took more than half the container or kitty treats to get her from one side to the other. It was quite the feat for her - she's not the most athletically inclined feline on the planet.